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At the risk of pissing off my friends who are big into the EMS 2.0 thing, I have to go backwards to about day five of EMT school.

Dear Guy From The Previous Shift;

THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON FOR YOU TO USE THE PORTABLE OXYGEN TANK WRENCH TO GORILLA THE FUCKING REGULATOR ON TO THE TANK.

If the regulator won’t seat correctly and you get that annoying hisssssssss when you turn the valve to the on position torquing the “T” handle with the wrench will not fix the problem, you moron. The problem is due to one of the following reasons, or maybe a combination there of.

1) YOU forgot to replace the gasket.

2) YOU didn’t realize that there was already a gasket there and put on a second one, thereby causing a leak that can only be corrected by taking off one gasket or of course torquing the shit out of the “T” handle.

3) YOU cross threaded the “T” handle, which of course now requires torquing the shit out of the “T” handle to stop that annoying hisssss.

4) YOU didn’t put the regulator on the tank correctly and it hasn’t sealed properly.

5) Some other idiot did some combination of the above and you’re too fucking lazy to fix it. Or maybe you slept through that class in EMT school.

I can guaranfuckingtee that I’ve been doing this longer than you. In fact, given the amount of FNGs that we have on the job these days, I’ve probably been doing this since before yo’ momma had short and curly ones. The only time I’ve ever had to use anything other than these pre arthritic hands to loosen a “T” handle is when some single digit IQ cretin such as you used one to tighten it to about a million foot pounds of torque.

Oh, and while you’re learning to put  the regulator on properly, could stop dropping the tanks onto the top of the valve so that the $0.99 plastic wrenches that management is saving money buying instead of real ones will fit and turn the tank on and off?

Thank you ever so much.

Asshole.

Other than that, I have no strong feelings on the subject.

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I'm a retired paramedic who formerly worked in a largish city in the Northeast corner of the U.S. In my post EMS life I provide Quality Improvement instruction and consulting under contract. I haven't really retired, I just don't work nights, holidays, or weekends.  I escaped the Northeast a couple of years ago and now live in Texas.  I'm more than just a little opinionated, but that comes with having been around the block more than once. You can email me at EMSArtifact@gmail.com After living most of my life (so far) in the northeast my lovely wife and I have moved to central Texas because we weren't comfortable in the northeast any longer. Life is full of twists and turns.

10 COMMENTS

  1. I’m getting new EMT’s who, when they swap out oxygen cylinders, throw away the new gasket when they take off the plastic seal.

    I quiz them, and not a fucking one knows what it is.

    • We have permanent gaskets on our regulators, which are pretty nice. The problem is that some people don’t know what they are so they put the disposable one on top of it. Or they pry it off and put the disposable one on wrong. Which since it’s the same on both sides, I can’t understand.

      As someone once said, “It’s tough to make things foolproof because fools are so ingenious.”

  2. That was hilarious. To be fair, in my EMT class many years ago the instructor had an “imaginary”portable 02 tank. I started out as an FNG who had no idea how to use a regulator let alone change one, or connect tubing. She’s still teaching, and it takes me about 5 seconds to recognize one of her students. The service I work at as of late ties the cheapo plastic wrenches to the regulator with 02 tubing, and almost every day we get one caught in the stretcher antlers and snap it in half. Really cost effective. >:(

    • One of our crews did that catch the O2 wrench in the antlers trick just this past shift. Never ceases to amaze. That goes along with the “experienced” EMTs who wrap the O2 tubing inside the sheet with the patient and then have to unwrap everything to free the tubing. The sad part is they do it every time, somehow never learning the easy way.

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