For context, I urge my readers to go to Ambulance Driver and read this post.

Now maybe you’ll understand that this is not a joke.

Did you know that clean hospital sheets have an intrinsic Oxygen saturation of 86%? How do I know that you ask?

I know it because of the countless times I’ve responded to “low oxygen saturation” calls (courtesy of one of the private ambulance companies that uses 9-1-1  to bolster their after hours staffing) at allegedly skilled nursing facilities only to find the probe firmly clipped to the sheet and not the patient.

Amazingly, when we put the probe, you know, actually on the patients finger we get a reading in the normal range, accompanied by a “What the hell are you people doing waking me up at 0330 in the morning.” look from the poor patient. Only to have the barely speaks English employee insist that the doctor wants us to take the patient to the hospital.

I think they teach them that at Dumb as a Stump School of Nursing and Blank Stares.

Speaking of (un)skilled (no)nursing facilities, a couple of years ago we responded to a notoriously bad one courtesy of the aforementioned private ambulance company for a cardiac arrest. Sure enough, the patient was in cardiac arrest. We attempted resuscitation per our protocol and then terminated our attempt. Also following our protocol. Since we don’t transport deceased patients, we cleaned up nicely and got ready to leave. The supervisor, or whatever he was, came storming in and his broken English told us that the patient’s doctor wanted the patient transported to the hospital. Tough shit I told him, only I was much nicer in my wording but the message was clear.

“We don’t work for you doctor, we have one of our own and she says to terminate resuscitation and leave.” Which we did.

What I really wanted to do was put on my best Slim Pickens accent and say, “Piss on you, I’m working for Dr Smith.”, but for once in my career I bit my tongue and just smiled at the man.

Shit like this is why I tell people that I can’t write a book about my experiences in EMS because no one would believe I didn’t make it usp.

All of which is why I’m always nice to my children, especially my daughter. As she’s told me, she’s the one that’s going to pick out which nursing home I go to.